So I don’t really know where to start… My heart is humping like crazy, and my adrenaline just went from normal to high speed.
I’m pretty sure… I have never been this nervous as I am right now, to write a post.
So yeah, I have previously told you guys that secrets were about to be revealed, and my little secret is that I’m gay.
Wow, I’m literally taking a deep breath. I have wanted to say those 2 words for so long, but to get the words out of my mouth, and down on a keyboard have been so hard.
So let me just start from the beginning, because I don’t know why, but I have always felt and knew, that I was different from the other kids.
I was into other interests than the guys, and have always felt it easier to talk with girls than boys – I loved to be creative in many different ways like painting, photographing and working with my hands. I have made a lot of homemade presents to my parents as a kid, and I loved it.
The thought of being gay came to my head, and as I got older, the thought just got bigger and bigger. It changed into my own little nightmare, because what did it mean?
I’m from a small town, and I didn’t knew anything about homosexuality or LGBT, so the thought of being gay gave me an extremely uncomfortable feeling,
I just wanted to avoid the thought, and I started to live a double life, which took a lot of energy.
I had these thoughts when I was about 14 – 15 years old.
One day I felt the time had come, and I had to tell somebody about my thoughts and deepest secret.
I remember the day as it was yesterday! I was at a birthday party with some of my friends, and I took some of them with me away from the party, and I guess… I just told them, which was so scarifying, but they took it so great! And I was so happy for their support, and they didn’t really care about it, they just wanted me to be myself and happy.
The day after was such an amazing day, because I felt a huge relief, and I couldn’t get my smile away. I knew something was right here, and I have never felt more alive like I did that night and day.
Now I had more people to lean on with my secret, and I felt closer to my friends, because I somehow could be honest to them, and I’m so thankful for still having them in my life today.
I think, I was about 15, when I started to have the thoughts of going to study in America. The American way of living fascinated me, and I knew for sure, that I wanted to try standing on my own in the country of dreams.
After ten years at SUNDskolen was the graduation up to come, and around the corner was a ticket to America waiting.
I can’t describe, how thankful I am for my exchange year in America! I got to know such a sweet and loving family, and the exchange year helped me, to figure out who I was, or actually who I wanted to be.
My exchange year helped me grow, and I learned to see life in a different way. I can only say it again, I’m so thankful for everything my family gave me!
I had such a great time in America, and the country has got a big part of my heart. I really regret today for not being 100% honest to my family, but the time just wasn’t right for me. My double life I was living gave me a feeling of protection, and I didn’t have to face the truth reality – I was so afraid of.
Living a double life tears you up, and your walking around with a major anxiety of facing the truth reality. For me was it hard to accept myself, because I had my friends, but if I couldn’t accept myself, then could my parents?
I think loving yourself is an important life lesson, which we don’t really talk about in public. Loving yourself sounds of course easy, I know. But I don’t think it’s so easy as it sounds…
I’m still learning to love myself, and being honest to myself has helped me a lot – I have come far in the process. With the society we have today is it hard not to look at other people. We are trying to reflect in other people. Maybe it’s right or maybe it’s wrong that’s up to you.
Coming out is not just a simple thing you do. It’s a process and it takes time. I needed a lot of time from telling some of my closest friends to come out for my parents.
I feel so relief today and I’m happier than ever. My sexuality is just a little part of me, and my sexuality shouldn’t either define or confine me in any ways – it’s a part of me not all of me.
I’m tired of living in a bobble, and I just want to be me.
Thanks for reading my post.
Love is Love #pride